Who knows? Who
cares! I know I'm insane. Why do we do this? Oh no, please help me.
- Drew Brees
Did anybody think Brees was actually going anywhere? I did, for about a second. Brees is going to die in New Orleans. He'll be a jaded 93 year old codger swilling Bourbon
in a dank Street bar, getting grabby with the male and female bartenders and
going on about how he was the best.
Plus, I think Brees wants to run for office down there one day. I really do.
Thus, does Brees have once again earned the right to be incredible, only
to come up short again. Because no
matter what happens, Brees' coach is a half-human / half-Orc hybrid named Sean
Peyton, whose only Super Bowl win (now or in the future) came against Jim
Caldwell, aka Mr Sideline Confusion.
- Kurt [sic] Cousins
The man got paid.
Oh man did he ever get paid. So
all the drama was worth it, I guess.
This man spent the last six years getting repeatedly kicked in the nuts
by the worst front office in all of sports, and I mean of any sport, anywhere
on the planet. But now the pressure is
on. Nobody believes in Kirk. Which Kirk exists? Is it the Kirk who broke every Redskins QB
record, never gets injured, and is generally a reliable and likable franchise
QB? Or is it the Kirk who throws heroically
bad interceptions and shoves amateur refs during charity football games? Time will tell. But make no mistake, if he doesn't win a
Super Bowl this year, it's his ass. No
pressure.
- Sam Bradford
You know, durability is the most valuable NFL trait. Or is it availability? Either way.
If you can't stay healthy, you don't exist. I believe that if Bradford could have stayed
healthy, he'd be a Hall of Fame QB and a Super Bowl winner. But he can't.
So that's, that's.
- Michael Bennett
This ordinary average gentleman doesn't have much left in
the tank. But he still has it, and his
addition to the Eagles line instantly makes this one of the most feared
defensive lines in NFL history. It
instantly assures the Eagles contention as this year's Super Bowl
favorite. Fletcher Cox and Bennett are
going to put on quite the show. QBs are
going to be like that beat puppy QB from The Waterboy who's got on field PTS
even before Sandler rushes the snap.
- Case Keenum
Which Case Keenum is real? I think it's the one we saw last year. And not the one who worked for Mr .500 in
Jeff Fisher. We'll find out this
year. But here's the problem, I think
Keenum can play. But with Fisher as his
coach, he couldn't play. With Vance
Joseph as his coach, can he play? No.
- Richard Sherman
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
- Teddy Bridgewater
You can't help but feel sorry for this guy. He suffers an injury that (literally) had
grown men vomiting on the sidelines. The
he gets his job stolen by two of the bargain basement definition of C grade QBs
in Bradford and Keenum. Then he lands
with who? The New York Jets. Oh man, I'm sorry, I'm so very, very
sorry. For it means that Bridgewater's
career is over. He will only get one
more chance. And the Jets is where grown
men go to die. It's where talent escapes
into a black hole that consumes all life.
If he actually gets the job from Josh McCown, he'll get killed back
there. Everybody took last year to shit
all over the Giants, and how the Jets had the better act. Stand by for the course correction this year.
- Malcom Butler
Anybody remember defensive phenomenon Mario
Williams? Oh, you, you don't? He was great, but took the money to play for
garbage teams. Then faded from history
with a puff of wizard smoke. It will be
the same with Butler. Well, at least
he's got that ring. Which is more than
most folks have.
- Dion Lewis
In keeping with the post-Patriots RB tradition, this man
will also fade from Earth in a puff of wizard smoke. Except for LeGarrette Blount, he was the
exception. PS, Blount is a freaking
animal.
- Jimmy Graham
Graham might have nothing left. But with Rodgers throwing to him he's going
to make the Seahawks look like bumbling fools for their inability to properly
employ his talents. Graham and Nelson
operating in tandem is going to be THE passing threat of this season. And so, ..., oh, wait, WHAT!!!???
- Jordy Nelson
I have no words for this dumbass release. I'm beginning to think the Packers front
office and its vaunted reputation is undeserved. Without Rodgers, this team would be the
Colts.
- The Browns' 17 Moves
2-14 is way, way better than 0-16.
- The Bills' 13 Moves
How many years will it be before the next playoff
birth? More than one.
- The Rams' 9 Moves
This is perhaps the only all-around team capable of
challenging the Eagles. It's going to be
awesome to see these two extremely talented teams slug it out.
- Jonathan Stewart
For the first time in like six seasons the Giants might
actually manage to possess a respectable running game. Taking some pressure off Eli might actually
work. Gee, hmm, who would have ever
thought of doing that? This team could
do a complete 180 this year. That is, if
OBJ can keep from going completely insane and exposing himself on the field to
a middle school marching band. They'd
better hurray, after Eli's gone this team will be 5-11 for three straight
years.
- AJ McCarron
There are at least 10 teams out there that could sign
this guy tomorrow and improve their QB situation immediately. If this doesn't happen, they're fools.
- Sammy Watkins
Feast or famine with this lad? With Andy Reid running things, it'll be
feast. And Watkins will have earned the
right to again get pushed out of the playoffs early, because Andy is still
Andy.
More later. See
you soon!
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