Monday, April 9, 2018

the new league is going to do away with kickoffs, so I thus already hate the new league

The Alliance of American Football (TAOAF), which is the dumbest name for an organization since the Fourth Reich, is the new NFL minor league.

To experiment, and (in theory) to lessen injuries, they have already decided they'll do away with the kickoff.  A concept that has been part of the game for over 80 years.  Because why not.

We also need to do away with the extra point, because folks can get injured on that play too.

While we're at it, who needs running plays anymore?  Just pass the ball like it's a backyard game, it'll still be exciting.

You know, one would think that TAOAF would be in the business of not emulating the NFL's current worst mistakes.  Mainly, mortgaging the game's future for the sake of interest groups, biased reporters, and do-gooders whose purpose is to get rid of the NFL entirely.

Instead, right out of the gates, TAOAF seems ready to adopt the NFL's same destructive policies.  Only they'll go further, without even one game being played.  I thus already hate the new league.


Friday, March 30, 2018

why would anybody trade for OBJ?

OBJ is for sale.  Who wants to buy?  Maybe the Rams?  Who knows?

But what I do know is nobody should trade for him.  Very few humans are truly insane.  I think OBJ is insane.  He's not going to change.

Also, he got himself injured and (sad as it is) players are usually never the same after a horrific injury like that.

If you still don't agree with what I've written, I will simply say: Percy Harvin.

So, to recap my argument.  Teams should not (but probably will) ship a first round (or multiple first round) picks to the Giants to get a man who is:

1) Insane

2) Injured

3) Insane

4) Insane

That is all.

Unrelated photograph of insane man.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

what are the Jets doing?

It seems pretty self explanatory what the Jets are doing, right?  They send a whole boquet of second round picks to the Colts to step up to the #3 slot.  And now there are rumors that they're trying to get up to #1.  So it's pretty clear a franchise only does this for one reason, to get a QB.

I get it.  But, still, what are the Jets doing?

The recent success of Jared Goff and Carson Wentz has once again ruined team's brains.  Ditto Deshaun Watson, but he didn't go #1 or #2.  Goff and Wentz did, and in year number two they both paid off.  And so teams are once again in the zone of mortgaging everything to get their one franchise QB.

Hey folks, it might not work!  For every Goff and Wentz I give you Mariota and Winston.  It's a 50/50 shot folks.  Is that worth sending so, so many of your key draft picks to get that coin flip?  It's not like the Jets are deep on their roster and just need a QB to win now.  The Jets aren't deep anywhere.

The Eagles just won with a QB who was essentially out of the league.  There are options for proven QBs, or QBs with potential, who are already in the league that don't require the coin flip gamble with the next five years of the franchise.

This won't end well for the Jets, not just because their strategy is putrid, but also because it's the Jets.  Whoever they draft, they'll consume the guy's career like a tiger rips apart an unknowing woodland creature.


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

we're back! and so is the league

League year starts today!  Is it me or are things far crazier this year?  As in, is this year crazier or am I crazier?
Who knows?  Who cares!  I know I'm insane.  Why do we do this?  Oh no, please help me.
- Drew Brees
Did anybody think Brees was actually going anywhere?  I did, for about a second.  Brees is going to die in New Orleans.  He'll be a jaded 93 year old codger swilling Bourbon in a dank Street bar, getting grabby with the male and female bartenders and going on about how he was the best.  Plus, I think Brees wants to run for office down there one day.  I really do.  Thus, does Brees have once again earned the right to be incredible, only to come up short again.  Because no matter what happens, Brees' coach is a half-human / half-Orc hybrid named Sean Peyton, whose only Super Bowl win (now or in the future) came against Jim Caldwell, aka Mr Sideline Confusion.
- Kurt [sic] Cousins
The man got paid.  Oh man did he ever get paid.  So all the drama was worth it, I guess.  This man spent the last six years getting repeatedly kicked in the nuts by the worst front office in all of sports, and I mean of any sport, anywhere on the planet.  But now the pressure is on.  Nobody believes in Kirk.  Which Kirk exists?  Is it the Kirk who broke every Redskins QB record, never gets injured, and is generally a reliable and likable franchise QB?  Or is it the Kirk who throws heroically bad interceptions and shoves amateur refs during charity football games?  Time will tell.  But make no mistake, if he doesn't win a Super Bowl this year, it's his ass.  No pressure.
- Sam Bradford
You know, durability is the most valuable NFL trait.  Or is it availability?  Either way.  If you can't stay healthy, you don't exist.  I believe that if Bradford could have stayed healthy, he'd be a Hall of Fame QB and a Super Bowl winner.  But he can't.  So that's, that's.
- Michael Bennett
This ordinary average gentleman doesn't have much left in the tank.  But he still has it, and his addition to the Eagles line instantly makes this one of the most feared defensive lines in NFL history.  It instantly assures the Eagles contention as this year's Super Bowl favorite.  Fletcher Cox and Bennett are going to put on quite the show.  QBs are going to be like that beat puppy QB from The Waterboy who's got on field PTS even before Sandler rushes the snap.
- Case Keenum
Which Case Keenum is real?  I think it's the one we saw last year.  And not the one who worked for Mr .500 in Jeff Fisher.  We'll find out this year.  But here's the problem, I think Keenum can play.  But with Fisher as his coach, he couldn't play.  With Vance Joseph as his coach, can he play?  No.
- Richard Sherman
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
- Teddy Bridgewater
You can't help but feel sorry for this guy.  He suffers an injury that (literally) had grown men vomiting on the sidelines.  The he gets his job stolen by two of the bargain basement definition of C grade QBs in Bradford and Keenum.  Then he lands with who?  The New York Jets.  Oh man, I'm sorry, I'm so very, very sorry.  For it means that Bridgewater's career is over.  He will only get one more chance.  And the Jets is where grown men go to die.  It's where talent escapes into a black hole that consumes all life.  If he actually gets the job from Josh McCown, he'll get killed back there.  Everybody took last year to shit all over the Giants, and how the Jets had the better act.  Stand by for the course correction this year.
- Malcom Butler
Anybody remember defensive phenomenon Mario Williams?  Oh, you, you don't?  He was great, but took the money to play for garbage teams.  Then faded from history with a puff of wizard smoke.  It will be the same with Butler.  Well, at least he's got that ring.  Which is more than most folks have.
- Dion Lewis
In keeping with the post-Patriots RB tradition, this man will also fade from Earth in a puff of wizard smoke.  Except for LeGarrette Blount, he was the exception.  PS, Blount is a freaking animal.
- Jimmy Graham
Graham might have nothing left.  But with Rodgers throwing to him he's going to make the Seahawks look like bumbling fools for their inability to properly employ his talents.  Graham and Nelson operating in tandem is going to be THE passing threat of this season.  And so, ..., oh, wait, WHAT!!!???
- Jordy Nelson
I have no words for this dumbass release.  I'm beginning to think the Packers front office and its vaunted reputation is undeserved.  Without Rodgers, this team would be the Colts.
- The Browns' 17 Moves
2-14 is way, way better than 0-16.
- The Bills' 13 Moves
How many years will it be before the next playoff birth?  More than one.
- The Rams' 9 Moves
This is perhaps the only all-around team capable of challenging the Eagles.  It's going to be awesome to see these two extremely talented teams slug it out.
- Jonathan Stewart
For the first time in like six seasons the Giants might actually manage to possess a respectable running game.  Taking some pressure off Eli might actually work.  Gee, hmm, who would have ever thought of doing that?  This team could do a complete 180 this year.  That is, if OBJ can keep from going completely insane and exposing himself on the field to a middle school marching band.  They'd better hurray, after Eli's gone this team will be 5-11 for three straight years.
- AJ McCarron
There are at least 10 teams out there that could sign this guy tomorrow and improve their QB situation immediately.  If this doesn't happen, they're fools.
- Sammy Watkins
Feast or famine with this lad?  With Andy Reid running things, it'll be feast.  And Watkins will have earned the right to again get pushed out of the playoffs early, because Andy is still Andy.
More later.  See you soon!

Thursday, December 28, 2017

cue goofy elevator music

Moving abroad late next week, that’s where we’ve been, and we’ll still be down for a while before we can write again.  I’ve missed this, but been too busy.
See you all in 2018!  Happy New Year.
Oh, and yes, my Guests are coming with me.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

McAdoo firing states blindingly obvious

No matter how bad you are, how likely you are to be fired, it’s generally nonproductive to mercilessly shitcan a future hall of fame quarterback.

 Well.  Bye.