cue goofy elevator music

Moving abroad late next week, that’s where we’ve been, and we’ll still be down for a while before we can write again.  I’ve missed this, but been too busy.
See you all in 2018!  Happy New Year.
Oh, and yes, my Guests are coming with me.

McAdoo firing states blindingly obvious

No matter how bad you are, how likely you are to be fired, it’s generally nonproductive to mercilessly shitcan a future hall of fame quarterback.

 Well.  Bye.

Is Sam Bradford finally done?

We’ll let you come to your own conclusions.  But yes.

teams think they must win now

The Eagles reached for Jay Ajayi.  The Bills reached for Kelvin Benjamin.  The Seahawks reached for Duane Brown.  In the old days, nobody would have done this.  Now the NFL is becoming more like baseball where teams scramble right before the trade deadline to acquire talent.

Teams think they must win now.  Now.  Unless that's not what's happening.  We'll know next year I think.  We'll see.  But for the moment these teams reached in an effort to get it done this year.  We'll see if it works out.

behold Itzpapalotltotec’s divine power

Belichick: “Yes Itzpapalotltotec. Yes! We shall decorate my basement with the blood of our foes. You shall have your fill. Praise!”  [draws ceremonial knife]

Kick Video

“Yes, yes, praise your evil name!”

Kick Video

“Yes, oh yes, I give thanks for your divine blessing.”

Kick Video

“Yes, yes, please give me your powers!”


“Yes, yes, your darkness knows no boundaries!”

Tomlin speaks his mind, in a rare good way

Yep.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQHoWoHUCcY/

it's almost time

We're just about 48 hours away.  It's almost time!  Exciting.  Big Ben isn't playing this Thursday, but it's still the season start.  It'll probably be his last, maybe, sort of.

when six months of a Giants fan's life is literally hanging in the air

Smokin' Jay weighs in on NFL players sitting, kneeling, bending, or standing for national anthem

DOOONNN'TTT CAAARE!

oh yeah baby, heee's baaack!

Oh please, let this happen.  I need more humor in my life.

talent evaluation by the talentless

The thing with NFL management is that it’s kind of a closed circle.  Once you get into the room you’re a part of the club.  And they grow their talent from within.  Name me a single GM who was hired from an organization outside the NFL?

The problem with any closed club though, is they typically contain a bunch of weirdos.  Any open organization tends to weed out the weirdos and replace them with normal / competent people.  But that’s not the NFL.

And so that’s how you get weirdos like Bruce Allen (a dude who can’t even correctly pronounce the first name of the most important player on his team) wielding total power of an NFL franchise.

In most other organizations Allen would not exist.  He’d be fired or drummed out.  But in the closed circle of NFL organization, he makes sense.  It’s talent evaluation by the talentless.

I guess Daniel Snyder wants to lose?  I can’t think of any other reasonable explanation for all the recent Redskins drama.  That is, unless Snyder is a talentless hack too?  Hmm.

it doesn't matter if teams tank for the draft

There’s a lot of chatter about teams throwing their season for the draft and how this is an issue requiring resolution from the league office.  As in, the office that typically does a great job of solving problems in a mature, professional, and honest manner.

 

I don’t see why this is a problem though.  So teams are tanking for the draft?  Okay.  So what?  The NFL is not the NBA.  A team with 5 is not a team with 22 starters.

 

The Browns likely tanked and got Myles Garrett.  Okay, good for them.  He might be awesome.  He might not be.  Who knows.  But is anybody going to argue that now the Browns can become a dominant team?  Does anybody want to wager say, ten grand, on if the Browns will have a season above 500 in the next decade?  I wouldn’t take that bet.

 

Last year’s number one pick was Jared Goff, aka that guy who doesn’t know what direction the sun rises and sets each day.  Anybody want to take that 500 in a decade bet on the Rams?

 

Maybe Jameis Winston has it in him to be a true franchise quarterback?  We shall see.  Anybody see the Bucs as a true Super Bowl contender?  I don’t.

 

Jadeveon Clowney seems to finally be taking off, living up to his beast potential.  We shall see.  Anybody see the Tejans as a true Super Bowl contender?  I don’t.

 

Nobody can seem to determine if Eric Fisher is the best or the worst.  Or both at the same time.  Not even Eric Fisher.

 

And of course, the big daddy of all tanks, the Suck for Luck campaign yielded one of the best quarterback talents in a decade to the dumpster fire that is the Indianapolis Colts.  And they’ve promptly destroyed that man’s body.  Luck will need a motorized cart to get from his imperial sized bed to his gold plated bathroom by the time he’s 36.

 

Let teams tank, whatever.  The draft has been proven to be the ultimate game of roulette.  Either you hit or you don’t.  It’s why smart teams stockpile as many picks as possible, led by smart personnel staffs that know how to build a roster.  As in, the teams that are professionally run well enough to not need to tank.  These are the teams that will consistently make the playoffs and win.

 

So it doesn’t matter if teams tank for the draft.  Just let it all continue to play out.  The game will go on.

what are the Chiefs and Jets thinking?

Let's face it, there's not enough talent in the NFL.  It's why folks have talked for years about a developmental league.  You've got your superstars at each position, but after them there's a whole bunch of dudes you couldn't tell apart from your neighbor.

And yet, for whatever reason, the Chiefs and Jets have decided they can do without Jeremy Maclin and Eric Decker, two decent receivers.  Neither of these dudes are superstars, but they can produce.  They can get shit done.

Who precisely do the Chiefs and Jets think they have on hand to replace this talent?  Apparently your neighbor.  And in other unrelated news, both these teams can't win.

And also, I think the folks who are saying the current CBA screws veterans are probably right.  Teams are going to take some random dude over even an above average veteran in many cases, because paying your neighbor is a lot cheaper.

voluntary workouts will never be voluntary

Let's face it, 90% of current NFL employees are playing for their jobs.  So when your potential future firing is contingent upon your performance, voluntary becomes involuntary.  So it is with any office job, so it is with the NFL's players.

It's why only two or three players skip it each year.  And why two of those three are superstars who don't give two shits what the coaches think of their absence.  It's always been like this.  But I get amused by the media outrage each year.

Sorry folks, reality sucks.  If those of us stuck in offices have to do involuntary things, then the NFL is no different.  That's life.  Outside of redoing the bargaining agreement, this isn't going to change.  And when 90% of the players are in anyways, this won't be a priority for the union.

these two articles are all you need to know about the Raiders move

These are two good reads on how they ended up in Vegas.  Bask as weirdo Mark Davis somehow pulls this off.  Amuse yourself at how Jerry Jones can be the quintessential back stabbing Monopoly Man genius, and yet be so bad as a GM.  Be horrified at how much money and political power is controlled by hand waves offered by a much of old, rich, assholes.

http://deadspin.com/the-raiders-robbed-las-vegas-in-americas-worst-stadium-1795475973

http://www.espn.com/espn/feature/story/_/id/19143486/the-story-how-owner-mark-davis-moved-raiders-las-vegas

 

overtime shortened to 10 minutes? why?

Will chopping five whole game minutes off overtime games improve player safety?  I don't know.  Is that why they did this?  I guess?  I can't think of any other conceivable reason why they'd do this senseless act.

Everybody hates ties right?  I know I do.  So chopping five minutes off overtime only increases the chance ties will occur.

Eh, why not just do away with overtime entirely!  That'd be better.  Truly.

Or, you could get them to kick field goals at increasing distances in some kind of shootout competition.

Or, you could get the two QBs out there.  Whoever throws the ball farthest wins!

Or, you could just flip a coin.

Or, you could get the O and D lineman to fight a battle royale at the 50 yard line.  Last player standing wins.

Or, you could get the O and D lineman to fight a battle royale at the 50 yard line against Roger.  First player to hoist his severed head wins!  And we'd win too!  So, much, win.  Win!

Derek Carr lays land mine in front of self, then steps on said land mine

Derek Carr doesn't seem to understand how the world works.  In the real world, if you're quarterback of a team that leaves town for money, and is thus disloyal, it's probably best to say almost nothing.  In Derek Carr's world though, it's best to call out the loyalty of fans when a team has been disloyal to said fans.

Carr is about to realize a fact of modern sports life.  Anything you say that's out of line is death.  It lends itself to the chance that degenerate idiots (like this blog's author) can say what a stupid thing that was to say.

And so Carr will learn that it's best to say nothing, or say something that actually means nothing.  And so soon enough Carr will become like a Manning, who interviews like conversing with a faded brick wall.

normal Monday continues without football

Apparently the NHL and NBA playoffs are happening.  I guess.  I find it hard to get fired up even though both my local teams are in it.  I think it's just hard for me to truly follow a team when they play 82 games a year.  I've got so much in my life that time for 82 games plus playoffs isn't happening.  One of the NFL's greatest appeals is that you only have to find time for 16 games a year.  It's an astronomical difference.  Well, now we're in the sports desert.  You've got MLB, NHL, and NBA.  But a normal Monday continues without football.  And next week's NFL draft will still have more viewers than any MLB, NHL, and NBA game.

what if Romo is really done?

I find it hard to believe Romo would turn down a shot with the Texans this November if they're making a run and they suddenly discover that Tom Savage and Brandon Weeden can't play a game called football.

But apparently, that's actually the vibe that has churned out of the football media abyss yesterday.  Maybe he really is done?  We can't be sure, Romo is a human being minus a functional back.  What he feels today in April might not reflect how he feels in November.

Despite what the media seems to think, I have a hard time believing CBS would fire him from the number one spot if he left for a few months to make a run.  They'd look like total assholes, it's a bit much even for a dreaded corporation like them.

So if Romo has a decent shot at his only chance to make a title, I think he'd take it.  After all, even one title gives Romo a decent shot to make the Hall of Fame.  Without it, I don't think he has a chance.

But what if Romo is really done?  What if mentally he's decided this is well and truly it?  Well, he'll end it with a decent but not great career.  And the Texans are toast.

don't do it Tony! oh, or, do it!

Romo should have stayed and tried to gut it out with another team.  Even if it was the dreaded Texans and Senior Mediocre Bill O'Brien.  Instead, it appears he's out.  His back and golf game will thank him.

I kinda would rather have seem him stick around.  And give it another shot for a title.  Just to anger Jerry when the Texans made it to the Divisional round only to get blown out by Denver.

But instead he's off the ride.  And honestly, if he replaces Simms on the broadcast, I couldn't be happier.  Nobody likes Simms on the broadcast.  So do it Tony, save us all!

the Patriots should sign Peterson

It's Monday, which means you're back at your evil desk and desperate for some kind of distracting football news you can read instead of working.  But, all you get is a little nugget that the Chargers are preparing to take Rivers to the wood shed, and the fact that Peterson is headed to New England to have Belichick stare into his soul.

The Patriots should totally sign Peterson.  What do they have to lose?  Nobody else wants Peterson.  Or, perhaps more accurately, nobody else wants Peterson at the money he's asking for.  Perhaps the Patriots could apply a title discount.  It might be Peterson's last shot.  The Patriots are going to be a creepy favorite to repeat next year.  Why not?

If Peterson has anything left in the tank (other than camel urine), can you imagine how scary the Patriots offense becomes when you also throw Cooks into the mix?  I can't.  So the Patriots should sign Peterson.  And the rest of us can have another reason to further hate New England, while they bask in their awesomeness.

Kirk Cousins requests trade by calmly handing Daniel Snyder and Bruce Allen theraputic self-portrait of current state of franchise without comment.

I'm so very sorry you're here

Well, the new league year starts at 4pm Eastern today.  We've done this before.  We've done a terrible, mindless NFL blog before.  It didn't quite work out, but it was a lot of fun.  So we'll try it again.

If you're here, then I'm sorry.  I'm so very sorry you're here.  For there are better things to do with your time.  Or better places to visit.  But at least (hopefully) you can enjoy your brief time here.  Or maybe learn a little about this great game.

For here you shall find knowledge.  And like my other degenerate hovel, the knowledge ye shall find here is mind boggling.  So strap yourselves in.  It's football!  It's lunacy!  It's awesome.  Enjoy life.